- Were I a particle and you a quantum potential, would you let me penetrate your classically forbidden regions?
- What did the watt do to make extra money? Work overtime.
- I tell people I’m in chemistry because I love the reactions.
- What kind of bear dissolves in water? A polar bear.
- Helium floats into a bar. The bartender says: “We don’t serve your kind here.” He doesn’t react.
- What do you call a test tube with a college education? A graduated cylinder.
- A monk is asked to list the physical properties of acetic acid. He replies “A true ascetic has no need for physical property.”
- Why does it take 17 organic chemists to change a lightbulb? I don’t know that’s just the value we determined experimentally.
- I would tell you a joke about UDP but you might not get it.
- Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it? Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it? Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it?
- Yo mamma’s so fat, she sat on a binary tree and flattened it to a linked list in O(1) time.
- What did the transistor say to the forward biasing voltage? “Baby, you turn me on.”
- When she sends you mixed signals, perform Fourier analysis.
- I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.
- What did the complementary angle say to the isosceles triangle? Nice Legs.
- Why couldn’t the angle get a loan? His parents wouldn’t cosine.
- What did the investigator use to shave in the morning? Occam’s Razor.
- “Is it a boy or a girl?” “Yes.”
- Thomas Malthus walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they accept checks. “Sure, I guess,” says the bartender. Everyone dies of the plague.
Puns and Language
- A jurisprudence fetishist gets off on a technicality.
- Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The p is silent.
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
- A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gave her one.
- The invention of the wheel was revolutionary.
- Do you think a tree would ever bark? A dogwood.
- I was kidding. You’ve goat no sense of humor.
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has really got to want to change.
- How many socialists does it take to change a lightbulb? We’re not going to change it, we think it works.
- I held the door open for a clown today. Seemed like a nice jester.
- I had a pun about insanity, but I lost it.
- Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
- Analogies are hard; they’re like …
- Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
- Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? Classical conditioning.