Astronomy

• What does Earth say to make fun of the other planets? “You guys have no life”

Geology

• What did one tectonic plate say when it bumped in to another? “Sorry, my fault.”

Physics

• Were I a particle and you a quantum potential, would you let me penetrate your classically forbidden regions?
• What did the watt do to make extra money? Work overtime.

Chemistry

• I tell people I’m in chemistry because I love the reactions.
• What kind of bear dissolves in water? A polar bear.
• Helium floats into a bar. The bartender says: “We don’t serve your kind here.” He doesn’t react.
• What do you call a test tube with a college education? A graduated cylinder.
• What did the thermometer tell the graduated cylinder? “I have more degrees.”
• A monk is asked to list the physical properties of acetic acid. He replies “A true ascetic has no need for physical property.”
• Why does it take 17 organic chemists to change a lightbulb? I don’t know that’s just the value we determined experimentally.

CS

• I would tell you a joke about UDP but you might not get it.
• Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it? Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it? Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it?
• Yo mamma’s so fat, she sat on a binary tree and flattened it to a linked list in O(1) time.

EE

• What did the transistor say to the forward biasing voltage? “Baby, you turn me on.”
• When she sends you mixed signals, perform Fourier analysis.

Math

• I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.
• What did the complementary angle say to the isosceles triangle? Nice Legs.
• Why couldn’t the angle get a loan? His parents wouldn’t cosine.

Logic

• What did the investigator use to shave in the morning? Occam’s Razor.
• “Is it a boy or a girl?” “Yes.”

History

• Thomas Malthus walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they accept checks. “Sure, I guess,” says the bartender. Everyone dies of the plague.

Puns and Language

• A jurisprudence fetishist gets off on a technicality.
• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The p is silent.
• It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
• A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gave her one.
• The invention of the wheel was revolutionary.
• Do you think a tree would ever bark? A dogwood.
• I was kidding. You’ve goat no sense of humor.
• How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has really got to want to change.
• How many socialists does it take to change a lightbulb? We’re not going to change it, we think it works.
• I held the door open for a clown today. Seemed like a nice jester.
• I had a pun about insanity, but I lost it.
• Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
• Analogies are hard; they’re like …
• What do you call a cover of a cover? A duvet.

Philosophy

• Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Psychology

• Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? Classical conditioning.