Jokes Jokes | Pavel’s Site ☰ About Projects Writing Contact Physics Were I a particle and you a quantum potential, would you let me penetrate your classically forbidden regions? What did the watt do to make extra money? Work overtime. Chemistry I tell people I’m in chemistry because I love the reactions. What kind of bear dissolves in water? A polar bear. Helium floats into a bar. The bartender says: “We don’t serve your kind here.” He doesn’t react. What do you call a test tube with a college education? A graduated cylinder. A monk is asked to list the physical properties of acetic acid. He replies “A true ascetic has no need for physical property.” Why does it take 17 organic chemists to change a lightbulb? I don’t know that’s just the value we determined experimentally. CS I would tell you a joke about UDP but you might not get it. Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it? Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it? Here’s a TCP joke. Did you get it? Yo mamma’s so fat, she sat on a binary tree and flattened it to a linked list in O(1) time. EE What did the transistor say to the forward biasing voltage? “Baby, you turn me on.” When she sends you mixed signals, perform Fourier analysis. Math I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves. What did the complementary angle say to the isosceles triangle? Nice Legs. Why couldn’t the angle get a loan? His parents wouldn’t cosine. Logic What did the investigator use to shave in the morning? Occam’s Razor. “Is it a boy or a girl?” “Yes.” History Thomas Malthus walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they accept checks. “Sure, I guess,” says the bartender. Everyone dies of the plague. Puns and Language A jurisprudence fetishist gets off on a technicality. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The p is silent. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally. A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gave her one. The invention of the wheel was revolutionary. Do you think a tree would ever bark? A dogwood. I was kidding. You’ve goat no sense of humor. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has really got to want to change. How many socialists does it take to change a lightbulb? We’re not going to change it, we think it works. I held the door open for a clown today. Seemed like a nice jester. I had a pun about insanity, but I lost it. Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names. Philosophy Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me? Psychology Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? Classical conditioning.